Here I am...

Here I am. In my bed, listening to the most peaceful words.

It took me more than 6 months to write this. Not because I didn’t find the time, or motivation, but because I didn’t find the words. How comes? I don’t know.

Where would you find words to describe what you can’t define yourself? And though you feel you NEED to find those words, to NAME what is burning, bowling deep inside you, because it makes you feel bad, cry, suffer, bleed.  Even in peaceful days, you know something is wrong, and you just don’t know how to fix it.

Little by little, you begin to understand that something has been broken inside. And comes the time you try to fix it, you look for solutions, substitutions, bandages, anything. But it doesn’t work. Well of course it won’t, you probably don’t have the right ones. You might have focused on something totally useless, even harmful sometimes, because you would have found some weak state of peace, thinking “yeah, I got it!”, and realize soon after, when you break down, that it was not the peace you were seeking.

You’re convinced – or at least think you are convinced – that you’ve put your heart, soul, and life in the hands of Allah swt, and you wonder why nothing is changing. So you feel deeply depressed. Nothing cheers you up anymore. And yet, you secretly hope to find the solution, hope that someday, you’ll wake up and not have that burden bearing upon your chest anymore. O God, yeah, you hope.

But what have you done actually? Have you put yourself into question? Have you taken great decisions? No, I haven’t, should I have done so?

ان الله لايغير ما بقوم حتى يغيرو ما فى انفسهم

« Allah does not change His favour upon any nation until they change their own condition » (Surat Ar-ra3d (13) Ayah #11)

And by change, I mean deep change. Of course it’s hard, and you ask yourself “How can I do this? I just can’t, am I not suffering enough? Do I really need to be harder to myself?” Yes sweetheart, you do… You say ok, let’s go, here I am ya Allah, I abandon what I used to do, even if I used to like it, because maybe it is wrong, and maybe that’s why nothing has changed up to now. And this is when you realize what is completely putting yourself into Allah’s hands, and how you were wrong on how you used to handle your situation.

Here I am, trying to structure my phrases in order to give you and myself something as clear as possible.

I must confess that it’s still hard sometimes. But when I remember what I’ve decided, and why I’ve taken such decisions, I can’t help feeling good, because if it’s tough now, I’ll be more rewarded next.

I used to feel great during Ramadan, you know why? Because everything around me reminded me of Him, it was so easy to do a good deed and feel its immediate consequence, so easy. And I used to tell myself “Ya Allah, alhamdulillah, my faith is so grown up!” But then I felt as if the connection was lost, and me with it. Now I realize what having faith really means. Anyone can pray 5 times a day, and fast sometimes, and read some verses, it doesn’t cost anything. Since the moment I said “Ya Allah, I can’t do anything without You, ya Allah, I just CAN’T help myself, so please, help me, You’re the only one who can!”, I felt something new. Self abandon. Now I’m most grateful. And I’ve understood why it‘s said that hardship is meant to make you come closer to your Lord.

Here I am. Brothers and sisters, this was my renewal.